How to Maintain Your Sense of Self
Learn more about what it means to lose yourself, what causes it, and how to respond.
What Does It Mean to Lose Yourself?
It’s normal and healthy for identities to evolve with age, circumstance, and changing interests. Sometimes, however, our identities change without our control or awareness. The concept we formerly held of ourselves based on our interests, relationships, values, and behaviors becomes incoherent and incompatible with our observations of ourselves. The object of the declarative “I am” becomes vague and ill-defined (“Am I?”). In other words, we lose ourselves.
When you lose yourself you might feel disconnected from your behaviors, confused by your reflections on reality, or like you don’t understand your motivations. Losing yourself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, sometimes people seek to lose themselves on purpose, and losing yourself can be a profoundly meaningful experience, but only when you find yourself again. If you want to grow in response to losing yourself, it is critical that you don’t stay lost. Reconnecting with ourselves is easier when we understand how and why we’ve lost our sense of self. Let’s talk about what it means to lose ourselves and some common examples of losing ourselves so we can find ourselves more readily in the future.
Before we can get into what it means to lose yourself, we need to clarify what we mean by ‘yourself’. The self is a cryptic term that we use to refer to multiple facets of our existence as a human. Taking a high-level approach to understanding the term, ‘self’ can be used to refer to two experiential themes : (1) Our bodily self that is the center of our first-hand experience of the world, and (2) our narrative self that weaves together our history, experiences, interests, social roles, relationships, values, and aspirations into a fluid but coherent identity (Milliere, 2017).
Each of these elements around which our identities are organized provides a set of behavioral standards and expectations, a sort of framework that helps shape our actions and perceptions (Eifert et al., 2015). When we lose one of our pillars of self, we’re left with a void in our identity and buckling of the structure that mediated our interactions with the world. This leaves us feeling distant or disconnected from ourselves—like we’re losing ourselves.
Why Might You Lose Yourself
The sense that you are losing yourself is caused by anything that erodes, severs, or extinguishes any pillars of your identity. For example, someone might feel lost following retirement from a meaningful career (e.g., you identify as a scientist and you stop doing science, who are you?). Changes in relationships can also induce a loss of self. For example, if part of someone's identity is being a spouse and they get divorced, it might feel like they don’t know who they are or how they are supposed to move through the world.
Am I Losing Myself?
It can be hard to tell the difference between healthy changes to your identity that occur as a function of age and losing who you are. Sometimes losing yourself happens suddenly and dramatically, other times it is a gradual, more subtle process. If you feel like you might be losing yourself but aren’t sure, here are a few signs to look out for:
● Not giving yourself enough alone time
● Negative self-talk
● Not taking care of yourself
● Seeking approval from others
● Losing interest in things you used to care about
● Not knowing what your preferences and needs are
● Feeling powerless
How to Not Lose Yourself: Ways to Practice Self-Love in a Busy World
Maintaining a strong sense of self isn't about putting yourself first all the time. Rather, it's about staying connected to your values, honoring your needs, and remembering who you are beneath the many roles you play. Self-love is an important part of this process because it encourages self-awareness, self-trust, and self-acceptance.
If you've been feeling disconnected from yourself, these simple practices can help you reconnect with your authentic self and cultivate greater confidence, balance, and emotional well-being. Here are a few ways to strengthen your sense of self while practicing self-love each day:
Setting Boundaries
Healthy boundaries help protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being. When you establish clear limits, you create space to honor your own needs and maintain a stronger sense of self.
Saying No
Saying no can be difficult, especially if you're used to putting others first. However, every time you say no to something that doesn't align with your needs or values, you say yes to yourself.
Positive Self-Talk
The way you speak to yourself matters. Replacing self-criticism with encouraging and compassionate thoughts can help strengthen self-worth and build greater confidence over time.
Affirm Yourself
Take time to recognize your strengths, accomplishments, and positive qualities. Regular self-affirmation can help reinforce self-trust and remind you of your inherent worth.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness helps you stay present rather than becoming consumed by worries, expectations, or outside pressures. By paying attention to the present moment, you can reconnect with yourself and what truly matters to you.
Self-Care
Self-care is more than an occasional treat; it is an ongoing practice of tending to your physical, emotional, and mental needs. Prioritizing self-care sends the message that you are worthy of care and attention.
Communicate Assertively and Ask for What You Need From Others
Your needs and feelings are important. Learning to communicate clearly and respectfully helps create healthier relationships while ensuring your voice is heard.
Make Time for the Things That Interest You
Your hobbies, passions, and interests are part of what makes you unique. Spending time on activities you enjoy can help you stay connected to your authentic self and bring greater joy to your life.
Take Some Time to Yourself
Periods of solitude can provide valuable opportunities for rest and self-discovery. Even a few quiet moments each day can help you reconnect with your thoughts, feelings, and priorities.
Journaling
Journaling offers a safe space to explore your emotions, experiences, and dreams. Writing regularly can increase self-awareness and help you better understand what is important to you.
Self-Reflection
Taking time to reflect on your choices, experiences, and personal growth can help you stay aligned with your values. Self-reflection encourages greater self-awareness and supports intentional living rather than simply moving through life on autopilot.
Self-love isn't just feeling good about yourself—it's actively staying connected to who you are and honoring that person each day. The more you practice self-love, the easier it becomes to recognize your worth and trust your inner voice. You don't have to lose yourself while caring for others or meeting life's demands. By making time to nurture yourself, you can remain grounded in who you are and continue growing into the person you are meant to be.
In Sum
Losing yourself can be a formative experience, but it can also be frightening and insidious. Throughout our lives, we will encounter limitless opportunities to lose touch with ourselves, so it is important that we understand when our sense of self might be vulnerable, like when we’re in a relationship, after becoming a parent or caregiver, during illness, and after loss. Being aware of the vulnerabilities in our identity can help us protect ourselves from losing it and can help us regain it in times when we can’t maintain it. Losing yourself can take a lot of different forms and can be caused by many different factors and life events, but there is always a way to find yourself again.
References
● Eifert, E., Adams, R., Dudley, W., & Perko, M. (2015) Family Caregiver Identity: A Literature Review, American Journal of Health Education, 46:6, 357-367, DOI: 10.1080/19325037.2015.1099482
● Millière R (2017) Looking for the Self: Phenomenology, Neurophysiology and Philosophical Significance of Drug-induced Ego Dissolution. Front. Hum. Neurosci. 11:245. doi: 10.3389/fnhum.2017.00245